


Take my advice, 'cause we are bad news

by falloutboiruto



Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations
Genre: Autism Spectrum, Autistic!Mitsuki, Bad Parenting, Comedy, Gen, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary!Orochimaru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 02:06:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17909933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutboiruto/pseuds/falloutboiruto
Summary: It's Parent and Child day in Konoha, and guess who's back in town? None other than Orochimaru, ready to spend the day with their second and favorite clone son! What could go wrong?





	Take my advice, 'cause we are bad news

**Author's Note:**

> it's yeet another fanfic.... from me. i cannot be stopped
> 
> no for srs i cannot stop writing silly boruto fanfic!! i've tried to write for other fandoms but i cannot! so here u go, a short and kinda silly fanfic. i wrote this bc i was EXTREMELY disappointed that mitsuki didn't get any screentime during the parent child day-arc and you know, when life gives you lemons
> 
> beta read by @reaperduckling  
> title is from "our laywer made us change the name of this song so we wouldn't get sued" by fall out boy
> 
> dedicated to two really nice cosplayers i recently met at a convention!! they were cosplaying mitsuki and boruto and they IGNITED the flames of love of my fandom in my heart once more

It was Parent and Child Day in Konoha, and Orochimaru had apparently gotten special permission from the Hokage himself to enter said village. As long as they were wearing a hat as a disguise. Said hat was very pink and looked very out of place.

“Are pink hats fashionable right now?” Mitsuki asked.

“Yes! I ordered it straight off _Amasoon_! Do you want me to order you a new shirt as well? Originally I got you such an oversized one since I figured you’d just grow into it _eventually_ , but since then I might have developed a serious online shopping addiction and I could definitely get you a normal tween boy-sized shirt if you want one.” Orochimaru said.

“Hm,” Mitsuki said. That was the best response he could think of. His parent’s nack for weird ominous oversharing made conversations with them very hard to navigate. Mitsuki suspected that he might share that specific trait, and usually curbed it by just not saying _anything_ at all when talking to people he didn't know very well. It didn't really work either since just staring at people was apparently _also_ weird _._

Their aimless wandering of the festival grounds had gotten them to a dart-throwing contest stand. The prizes were displayed in the back and one of them was a…

“A snake plushie! Do you want that one?” Orochimaru asked.

“Not really,” Mitsuki responded.

Orochimaru completely ignored him and paid the stand worker for entry to the contest.

“Look, one of the dartboards has your face on it,” Mitsuki whispered to Orochimaru(they had to keep a low profile, after all).

“Yeah, and my makeup looks _awful_ in that picture! Ugh, what was I thinking twenty years ago with those _brows_ …” Orochimaru whispered back out of the side of their mouth as they took a good aim at the “Villains of Konoha” dartboard and _completely_ missed it.

The stand worker shrugged at them both and went back to reading a magazine that judging from the cover was about vacuum cleaners.

”Huh, that’s surprising. I thought that throwing darts would be very similar to throwing kunais, what’s the difference?” Mitsuki asked.

“Well, uh, there’s the, uh, wind resistance for starters, and the weight difference between a kunai and a regular old dart is, uh, _crucial_! I’m _very_ surprised you don't know this already, aren’t you a supposed to be a chuunin?” Orochimaru said very snootily.

“I’m actually a genin. But you _would_ know more about projectile weapon-physics than I do, so I’ll take your word for it.”

“Y-Yeah, of course, I am one of the _Great Three Elite_ , uh… _Ninja_ after all! But now that I have realized this, I can easily adjust my technique to win this _dumb_ carnival game. You just need to turn around for a bit!”

“Why? Can’t I learn something from watching you do it?”

“Nope! Just turn around!” Orochimaru said in a voice that usually meant that they were not to be reasoned with.

Mitsuki turned around, but a few seconds later he felt his parent grab his arm and quickly drag him away from the stand and into the crowd.

“Uh, why are we running away?” Mitsuki asked.

“No reason!” Orochimaru said when they had gotten apparently far enough. Mitsuki noticed that his parent was holding something behind their back, something that looked a lot like…

“Is that one of the game prizes for the stand we are running away from? Did you steal it?”

“Uh… No! I mean, yeah! I _stole_ it by using an expert genjutsu and snake clone combination, like the _elite ninja_ that I am!”

“I don’t want it,” Mitsuki said, feeling a sinking sensation in his gut that he couldn’t quite name.

“Hey, don’t be ungrateful! I stole it just _for you_! Me, your favorite parent!”

“You’re my _only_ parent.”

“Well, technically your DNA is a mishmash of several different cell samples from test subjects I had just lying around. But _most_ of those people are dead now… I _think_ …” Orochimaru said, trailing off at the end and staring out into space, seemingly distracted by deep thoughts.

Mitsuki took the opportunity and ran away as fast as he could in the opposite direction. Maybe he could find Boruto and/or Sarada and hang out with them instead?

-*-

Just as he thought, Boruto was _also_ aimlessly wandering around the festival grounds. Boruto had apparently also ditched his parent, so Mitsuki guessed that having to ditch parents was probably normal. But he should probably ask Boruto about it, just in case.

"…Wait, what? Did they really cheat at a dart-throwing contest? That's… a crime! Against the law! Shouldn’t they at least try to lay low since Dad gave them special permission to enter Konoha and all that? ” Boruto said.

“Well, they _are_ a crime boss.”

A chilly wind started blowing in the narrow alley they were currently in. Suddenly, Mitsuki heard his name being called and tried to localize the sound. It was coming from a pile of garbage. _Really._

“As if you could outrun me! _Me_! One of the great three!” Orochimaru boasted while slowly rising out of the garbage pile like a phoenix rising out of the very smelly ashes.

“Are you Mitsuki’s parent or _a horror movie villain_?” Boruto asked incredulously after he managed to stop screaming in terror.

Orochimaru seemingly took a moment to gather some kind of relative dignity and to dust off their clothes. They succeeded at neither.

“Good question,” They said, but not following it up with anything. There was a long awkward silence.

“Why were you hiding in the _garbage pile_?” Mitsuki asked.

Orochimaru just stared at him silently in response. Mitsuki realized that they also shared this mannerism, and made a mental note to _never do it again_ as it was _very unnerving_ to be on the receiving end of it.

They were suddenly interrupted by the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps. The dartboard game stand worker had apparently caught up to them.

“Hey, you in the stupid hat! I saw you steal my merchandise!” She screamed while wielding her rolled up newspaper as a deadly weapon.

“I’m going to skedaddle now, as the kids say. See you later,” Orochimaru said and dispersed into a puff of smoke and at least ten runaway snakes. So they had been a snake clone all along. _Really_. That was…

“Mitsuki, we gotta run! She’ll probably _kill us_ otherwise!” Boruto shouted while quickly dragging Mitsuki away from the scene of the crime.

-*-

After running like cowards, they ended up at _Thunder Burger_.

“You know, usually I’d feel better after staring at you eat for a while, but right now I really don’t.” Mitsuki said, trying out the whole “sharing your feelings” thing.

Boruto initial response was to choke on his burger, but after chugging some soda he put on his _“Boruto giving advice”-_ face. It came with him _completely_ changing his body language, crossing his arms confidently and even speaking in a lower tone of voice. Honestly, Mitsuki always found it very entertaining, and it even improved his mood as of right then and there.

“Well, you know… Mitsuki…” Boruto stiffly said in what he _thought_ was a baritone. “I’m happy you’re opening up to me about your _feelings_. Well, my advice is such as follows: Your parent is kind of weird. I don’t know how to deal with that at all.”

“Yeah, they don’t _do so well_ in social situations.”

“Are you _kidding_? When I broke into their weird clone lab basement they and their manservant threatened me with a sword!” Boruto said, shifting back into his usual _“Boruto being loud and overexcited”-_ mode.

“They did? Well yeah, Suigetsu has a habit of threatening my friends. I’m not sure if I like that either.”

“ _Yeesh_ … Look, Mitsuki, I can’t really say I understand your situation since, uh, it’s very…. _strange and unusual_ … To me, it seems like your parent _kind of_ sucks. I'm sorry if the truth hurts, but-“

“It doesn’t, I understand that you feel that way. It’s complicated.” Mitsuki said.

Boruto winced loudly. He made several tries to respond, but never really got past the first words in any of the attempts.

“It’s ok. I live here on my own, so my contact with my parent is limited. I’ll just have to figure out what to do later on when I’m older.” Mitsuki said so Boruto didn’t have to say anything.

“But that’s so _unfair_!” Boruto burst out loudly, making heads turn in the restaurant.

Mitsuki didn’t know how to respond to that, so he just silently stared back. Which he wasn’t really _supposed_ to do, he realized, so he tried to soften it with a smile.

“Don’t you fake-smile at me! Look, even if your _strategy_ right now is to just _wait and see_ , you need to know that I am always here for you if you want to talk about it. Sarada and Konohamaru-sensei too! We _all_ are.” Boruto said, very _very_ earnestly.

Mitsuki broke out in a genuine giggle.

“Really?”

“ _Really_ really! Don’t you forget it!” Boruto said while shaking both fists at Mitsuki like a madman.

-*-

Eventually, they parted ways and Mitsuki went home to his empty apartment full of _empty_ emptiness. Between going to bed and turning off the light for the night, he looked at his bedside pictures of him and all of his Konoha friends.

They all looked so happy. Even _he_ looked happy.

Maybe it was best to focus on that instead.

**Author's Note:**

> please give me kudos and comments if you like this! 8D
> 
> also if you're a first time reader o'mine: i just wanted to say that i have written LOTS AND LOTS of similar boruto comedy fanfic. if you liked this, maybe you perhaps would like those other fanfics at well? ;)


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